A Dream

***this post was written on 11/10/10***

Last night I had a dream.  I don't have dreams.  I can't even remember the last time I had one.  I used to have dreams but could never remember what they were about once I was awake....this one I remember.  In the middle of the night I woke up from it and felt really peaceful.  The dream itself doesn't totally make sense, but I thought I would share it anyways because it made my heart smile.

I had been driving across town in our car and had pulled over to the side of the street and had fallen asleep.  I know it's weird already, but stay with me... :) I was sitting in the car and in a really deep content sleep and in my arms was a baby boy all wrapped up in a blanket, sleeping also.  It was peaceful and beautiful, but soon I heard Randy's voice calling to me and others saying my name.  I had this feeling that they must have been searching all over for me and were pretty worried.  They were telling me to wake up and it took them a while for me to wake, because I didn't want to let go of that feeling and mostly I didn't want to let go of the little boy.  When I finally awoke in my dream, I woke up in real.  At first I had thought "whoa, that was so real and if it was...was I holding Cameron or who was it?"  But I remembered it was a baby boy wrapped in a blanket (something Cam has gotten way too big for!) I realized it was Blake I was holding in my dream.  I felt so close to Blake right then and am thankful for the chance to hold him again even though it was only in my dreams, because for now that will have to do.

I don't know what to think of it all.  Sometimes my life feels like a dream.  The day we lost Blake felt like a dream, the worst chapter in the story of my life.  I still can't wrap my head around it, but the little gifts like this dream help ease the pain a tiny bit.  I don't want to ever forget it. 

Dear Blake,

You would be 3 months old today.  I would be taking pictures of you to put in a frame to show everyone how much you grew the 1st year of your life.  I would probably be stressing about whether you are eating enough or if you are eating too much.  It seems silly now to worry about things like that.  

Your brother and I made a snowman for you yesterday.  We had a snowball fight when we were finished.  Cam loved it! 

We like to talk about you during the day and we think of you all the time even while we sleep.  It was nice to hold you again.  I miss you, but you knew that.  All my love...your Mommy   

Family Photo with a Twist

     Before you go and think that I'm super creative you should know that I stole this idea from someone else's blog.  I think they had a different set up, but it's the same idea.  Anyways, I've been wanting to get a photo like this for a long time and finally did it today.  I kind of like how it turned out.  I'm glad you can't smell through the internet, because those little converse shoes STINK! :) And yes, those adorable little booties are Blake's.  He never got to wear them, so they are still as perfect as the day I bought them.  Perfect just like him. 

Blake's Bands

Ever since the day we lost Blake, Randy had been talking about how he wanted a band similar to his hospital bracelet that he could wear all the time to remember our little boy.  I wasn't sure if I would be able to find something he would like (those of you who know Randy know he can be kinda picky).  So in the meantime, we took photos of our wristbands from the hospital and wore them up until the point where they could barely be read anymore. 

Randy's actually came off while he was working up at the farm where it had caught on something and ripped.  With mine I was able to slip off my wrist and keep it for Blake's memory shadowbox.  We also have Blake's tiny ankle bands that match ours.  I researched on Etsy for different bracelet ideas and found one that was simple enough for Randy to wear.  It was a narrow leather band with "Blake Lucas Reddig" and "8.10.10" stamped into it.  You can see the backside of it in this photo below...


photo by Fry Photography

  Randy wore it all the time, but kept talking about how he didn't want it to get ruined and it was too nice to wear everyday....so, back to the internet.  I ended up finding a site that lets you pick whatever you want for a silicone band and creates them for you.  So I ordered enough for both of our families in all the sizes available.  I was so excited to find that they had children sizes, so Cameron can even rock one of the bands.  He usually leaves his on for most of the day, but I always end up finding it on the floor somewhere after he has successfully wriggled out of it.  It's been such a cool way to remember Blake.  I love wearing mine. 

P.S.  Sorry if you are a sibling reading this and still don't have one....I am kinda lazy and just haven't gotten around to mailing them yet.  But don't worry, you will be getting one. :)

Trick or Not So Much a Treat

     I have never really cared for Halloween much in the past, and this year isn't much different.  The only thing I really have enjoyed the past 2 years is picking out a costume for Cam and then taking pictures of him in it.  I was so looking forward to this year when we were going to have two little boys that we were going to dress up and attempt taking pictures with.  I thought about how I could do costumes that were the same theme now and how cute they would be in pictures together. {sigh}

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     It was the first week in August and we had just come back from living in Fort Peck/Lustre for the month of July.  I was wandering the aisles at Costco with Cameron and noticed that they had already put out baby costumes for Halloween.  Seriously people?...in August?  Oh well, they were so cute and I snatched one up immediately of a tiny little cow that would be perfect for when Blake was about 3 months old.  I kept wandering the aisles and I'm sure Cam and I even ate some samples from the nice workers there.  Then for no reason that I could explain I decided I didn't want the costume anymore and brought it back over and hung it on the rack where I found it.  I didn't think anymore more about it and decided I would have plenty of time to find another costume for Blake.  This was only days before Blake joined us. 

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     The day after Blake passed Randy and I found ourselves at Costco picking up pictures we had developed of Blake to display at his memorial.  When we left the store, I started crying when I remembered that I had picked out a costume for him and then put it back without purchasing it.  I had thought there wasn't a reason at the time, but now I kind of feel like maybe God was telling me that I really didn't need to buy it.  He already had something greater in mind...this Halloween Blake was going to be an angel instead. 

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     It's been a daily battle for me, but I am choosing to be thankful for the small things like the fact that I don't have that little costume here at the house where I have to look at it and be reminded that Blake will never wear it.  As a good friend has told me, it's God's mercies that get us through.  I think I could dedicate an entire post to just the mercies/blessings I've seen during the 9(ish) months and 3 days we were blessed with Blake's presence.  And maybe I will, so stay tuned. :)

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     I wanted to end with some pictures of Cameron over the last couple years because I just love this kid and am proud to be his Mommy.

Pepe Le Cameron 2008

Randy the Referee 2009



Geoffrey the Giraffe 2010


     Randy and I will probably be taking Geoffrey out tomorrow for some candy.  So maybe I will post more pictures of him out in the wild. 


For now check out how vicious this wild animal is!...

I also made the mistake of telling him to "bust a move"....

A little more dancing, this time "the robot".....

All that dancing makes a giraffe sleepy!



Twins 2.5 Years Apart?!?

     The following pictures bring me so much joy.  The side-by-side pics below were taken the same day.  We had our ultrasound where we found out we would be adding another BOY to the family (Mommy was in shock) and the technician captured this beautiful profile shot of little Blake.  The photo was taken that evening of Cameron while he was watching the Globetrotters at the fieldhouse here in Bozeman.  I was trying to get a good shot of him taking in the action, and just so happened it was also a profile shot.  Later that week I was looking at the ultrasound pic and started wondering if the boys had any similarities.  So I put them side-by-side with my picture editor and low and behold they pretty much had the same adorable profile....SEE! 

BLR                                                 CKR

      This next combo is one that I put together while I was going through old pictures of Cameron in the weeks following Blake's passing.  I saw this one of Cameron with Randy and it startled me how much he looked like Blake in one of the few photos we have of him.  It was a huge blessing to be able to see the strong resemblance in these two boys.  Randy and I take comfort in knowing that if we are ever curious what Blake would look like all we have to do is take a look at our handsome C-man. :)

CKR (top)      BLR (bottom)

     I thank God for making me the Mama to the most beautiful little boy in Heaven and the most beautiful little boy on Earth.  Oh and my hubby isn't too bad to look at either. ;)

Photos To Be Treasured

In the days following Blake's death we were flooded with e-mails, cards, letters, flowers, food, family and friends.  One of my good friends (who also happens to take beautiful photos) e-mailed and asked me if there was anything she could do for me, just to let her know.  We heard people say that alot, and it's hard to be able to let go of your pride and let people take care of you.  I was feeling sad that all of the beautiful flower arrangements that people had sent us would not last until we returned from Blake's Lustre memorial, so I realized the best thing to do would be take pictures of everything we could.  I wasn't feeling up to the task and I knew I wanted the pictures to reflect the beauty that had filled our house.  So I called on that friend of mine who had taken pictures of Cameron and our family over the last 2 years.  I had been planning to have her come anyways for newborn photos of Blake within the first week of his life.  It was bittersweet to still have her come to our home and take photos, but instead it was under such heart-breaking circumstances.  She of course said she would come right over and capture these gifts for us.  I love how they turned out and am so thankful that she blessed us with her God-given talents so we can forever enjoy the flowers that were sent to us in those first couple days.  Here are a few of her photos for you to enjoy...

Thank you Deea for sharing your gift of photography with us over the past 2 and a half years.  We love you.

If you want to see more of her work you can check out her site.  You just might recognize a cute little chubby boy in some of her albums.

A Walk To Remember

We were able to join with others who have had miscarriages/stillbirths/infant deaths in Bozeman at the 3rd Gallatin Valley Infant Memorial Walk.  This year it was held at the hospital here in Bozeman.  We were so blessed by everyone that came to support us at the walk.  We had everyone from both sides of our families here for the weekend and everyone joined in the walk.  Our church family also showed their love in a huge way by cancelling church for that morning so that anyone that wanted to attend would be able to.  It was really a special day.  A couple things that stick in my mind from that day.......

When we pulled up to the hospital and were getting ready to get out of the truck, Cameron said, "BABY!"  Neither Randy or I had said anything about it to Cam that morning.  We're convinced he is so much more aware about what happened in our family than what we give him credit for.  He may be only 2 and half, but he knows something has happened and that something made his Mommy and Daddy very sad.

The other thing that was so special to me was how many balloons were released in honor of Blake.  They took time to read each baby's name and as the name was read, that baby's balloons were released.  Here is a picture of some of Blake's balloons floating into the heavens.

Here's another shot of them further up in the sky...

Here is a picture of Randy and I with our red eyes and tear-stained faces.  It's the look I've been going for lately.

And here is one of my favorites from the day...

Big Brother with his Little Brother's balloon. 

Thanks everyone for being there for us and for making this day so special.  We love and miss you little Blake...you are always about half a second from my thoughts every minute of every day.

Oh yeah, and it was also this guy's birthday....(10/10/10!)

Happy Birthday Dad!  Thanks for spending your day with us remembering your grandson.  We love you.

Big Brother is getting to be a Big Boy!

So this post is kind of old news, but the pictures to go with I just love.  When we got back from staying in Fort Peck, we could NOT find Cam's pacifier anywhere.  He had gotten to the point of wanting only a certain blue one, and as we unpacked the car and settled in at home, it got misplaced somewhere in our house.  Honestly!...Randy and I didn't sneak it into the garbage or anything. :) So we thought, oh great, here we go...I volunteered to sleep with him in his room because we had already had a pacifier fiasco while staying in Fort Peck and it wasn't pretty.  I knew Randy needed some rest so he could function at work the next day.  So after we spent the evening searching the house for it and telling Cam to help us look, we explained that it was gone and we couldn't find it.  Of course he cried his eyes out.  I felt pretty bad for him because this is something he had been incredibly attached to for almost 2.5 years.  Yeah, I know what you're thinking....wasn't it about time?!?  I guess so.  We got him ready for bed that night and Randy came in his room as I was going to lay down with him.  Cam was crying for his paci and Randy said, "hey buddy, do you want to pray?".  Cam could barely answer, but he did say a really pathetic, "yeeaaah".  So Randy said a simple little prayer for him and us.  Cam settled down enough to go to sleep and he didn't even wake up in the middle of night! 

Here he is during his 1st nap "pashee" free...sleep lines and everything.

He asked me for his "Pasheee" for a few days after, but I kept reminding him that we didn't know where it was.  He was okay with it, and I was okay telling him that because we really didn't know where it was.  It's somewhere in this house hidden really well.....it's been 2 months and I have not seen it yet.  It was great timing and just in time for him to be a Big Brother.  I can't speak for my parents, but it must have been nice to take care of Cam those few days while we were in the hospital and not have to worry about where his "blue tooth" (as my Dad calls it) was.  He also is just so much cuter without it...you can see his adorable little smile so much better. :)

Here is the post-nap picture from the same nap...blurry because he wouldn't stop moving.

Yes, that big red mark is actually his handprint.  He had slept so hard you could actually see the imprints of his fingers smushed into his forehead.  I was trying to hold back the giggles when I took this picture.  Man I love this kid!

The Butterfly

I can't remember when exactly in the last 2 months Shell (my sister :) ) and I were talking about this, but she mentioned something about how after someone dies and you see a butterfly flying around it's a symbol of that person you lost.  I guess I hadn't really thought about it before, because to be honest I really haven't lost any of my close immediate family. 

Fast forward (just a little bit) to a few weeks ago and the Cresse's had asked us to go to lunch with them at Johnny Carino's.  We were bringing Cam along with us and he was so excited to be able to go to lunch with Daddy in the "white TRUCK!"  So as we are getting out of the truck at the restaurant he is jabbering and hopping and telling me to race him into the restaurant.  Jonathan and Courtney were already at the doors waiting for us, and as we got closer and said "hello", Cam realized that they were eating with us.....you should have seen his shoulders drop.  It was like, "aw man, you didn't tell me they were gonna be here".  We all laughed so hard because he didn't mean to be rude, he just is so bashful it was like he knew he couldn't just be "Cam". :) Well, our laughing made him even more upset and he just wanted to bury his face in my legs and disappear.  So Courtney, seeing how upset he was, asked him if he wanted to get a bouncy ball out of the machine by the doors.  Of course he perked right up and wasn't about to say no to that!  She put in the money and out came the ball.  He came back to me pretty quickly and was showing off the bouncy ball.  I took one look at it and just smiled and my heart smiled even more...in the center of the ball was a butterfly.  It was like God was saying "Blake is here, he is always with you.  I can use silly bouncy balls and whatever else I need to to make it clear how much I love you and how much Blake loves you." 

I'm not saying Blake is the bouncy ball or anything like that, but it was so amazing to me that out of all the different balls in the machine, that one came out just for Cam to play with and to hold.  Coincidence, I don't think so.  God can use anything to speak to us if we are just willing to stop, look around and see what He is doing. 

Cam would not put he ball down the rest of the afternoon, so I was able to get a picture of him holding it (above).  Then the ball disappeared and we couldn't find it but it turned up one random day and again Cam had to hold it while he watched cartoons on the couch with me. :)

We love you so much Blake and think about you ALL the time.

Jesus Chose Our Little Lamb

A story that has brought me some comfort in the last few days is taken from an old book that someone gave to us about losing a child.  Here it is...

"There is a story of sweetness and beauty which enlightens the heart of every parent who has lost a child.  It concerns a custom among the shepherd folk of the Alps.  In the summer time when the grass in the lower valleys withers and dries up, the shepherds seek to lead their sheep up a winding, thorny, and stony pathway to the high grazing lands.  The sheep, reluctant to take the difficult pathway infested with dangers and hardships, turn back and will not follow.  The shepherds make repeated attempts, but the timid sheep will not follow.  Finally a shepherd reaches into the flock and takes a little lamb and places it under his arm, then reaches in again and takes another lamb, placing it under the other arm.  Then he starts up the precipitous pathway.  Soon the mother sheep start to follow and afterward the entire flock.  At last they ascend the tortuous trail to green pastures.

The Great Shepherd of the sheep, the Lord Jesus Christ, our Saviour, has reached into the flock and He has picked up your lamb.  He did not do it to rob you, but to lead you out and upward.  He has richer and greener pastures for you, and He wants you to follow."

Jesus reached down into our flock and picked Blake out of all the babies on Friday, August 13th at 9:12am.

Okay God, you have my attention...please take me to those greener pastures. 

Not What I Had In Mind

I started this blog in June because I thought it might be nice to update the Nanas and Papas about the two little loves of our lives...Cameron (aka Handsome Boy) and soon-to-be-born Blake (aka Angel Boy).  None of our parents are facebookers, so I was considering closing down my account and actually just doing this blog. 

In July, we were living in Fort Peck and Lustre while Randy worked remotely for his boss.  We were preparing to have Blake join our lives in the following month.  There was no need to blog since we were practically living with the Nanas and the Papas that month.  It was the best thing for Cameron to be able to spend so much time with them. 

If things had gone according to our plans, I would be posting pictures of Blake at 1 month, 2 months, etc. and of Cameron being the big brother/helper that he so naturally is.  Instead, this blog will most likely be focused on the events of August that completely turned our world upside-down.  I will still have updates of Cam and pictures of him as he grows (and grows!).  I'm hoping this will be a place of healing for myself and those who read it.  Be prepared to cry, to laugh, to hurt, to hope, and to be amazed!  Not amazed by me (haha), but by God who has been so close and so real in the past 7 weeks. 

As the title of the post says, this is not what I had in mind, but we are rolling with the punches and have hope that there is so much more for us ahead. 

God is LOVE.
becca jo

Handsome Boy gets a Haircut

After 6 or 7 months of refusing to get a haircut, we finally bribed/tricked/entertained Cameron through a haircut with Auntie Ro. We think he looks like a much older little boy now.

Here is a Before & After to prove how badly he needed a trim.