Last night I had a dream. I don't have dreams. I can't even remember the last time I had one. I used to have dreams but could never remember what they were about once I was awake....this one I remember. In the middle of the night I woke up from it and felt really peaceful. The dream itself doesn't totally make sense, but I thought I would share it anyways because it made my heart smile.
I had been driving across town in our car and had pulled over to the side of the street and had fallen asleep. I know it's weird already, but stay with me... :) I was sitting in the car and in a really deep content sleep and in my arms was a baby boy all wrapped up in a blanket, sleeping also. It was peaceful and beautiful, but soon I heard Randy's voice calling to me and others saying my name. I had this feeling that they must have been searching all over for me and were pretty worried. They were telling me to wake up and it took them a while for me to wake, because I didn't want to let go of that feeling and mostly I didn't want to let go of the little boy. When I finally awoke in my dream, I woke up in real. At first I had thought "whoa, that was so real and if it was...was I holding Cameron or who was it?" But I remembered it was a baby boy wrapped in a blanket (something Cam has gotten way too big for!) I realized it was Blake I was holding in my dream. I felt so close to Blake right then and am thankful for the chance to hold him again even though it was only in my dreams, because for now that will have to do.
I don't know what to think of it all. Sometimes my life feels like a dream. The day we lost Blake felt like a dream, the worst chapter in the story of my life. I still can't wrap my head around it, but the little gifts like this dream help ease the pain a tiny bit. I don't want to ever forget it.
Dear Blake,
You would be 3 months old today. I would be taking pictures of you to put in a frame to show everyone how much you grew the 1st year of your life. I would probably be stressing about whether you are eating enough or if you are eating too much. It seems silly now to worry about things like that.
Your brother and I made a snowman for you yesterday. We had a snowball fight when we were finished. Cam loved it!
We like to talk about you during the day and we think of you all the time even while we sleep. It was nice to hold you again. I miss you, but you knew that. All my love...your Mommy
Thanks for sharing this, Becca! I'm so happy you got to feel that peace and contentment, if even for a moment:)
ReplyDeleteMy mom was a hugger and it used to drive me nuts. Now, every once in awhile when I'm really struggling, I have a dream that she appears in and it always ends in a hug. It's so real and brings me so much peace. I have come to believe that these are more than just dreams.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you got to hold Blake. It was more than a dream. It's a gift from God. :-)